SPECIES REPORT PREPARED BY
GENERAL XEYZO OF THE BYTHRIN DOMINION
Home Planet: Earth
Humans are a tall species, but very weak. Especially their children. You can knock them over so easy and then they usually cry for Mommy. They have silly hands with too many fingers that are weaker than Bythrin infants. Many Humans eat too much food and stare at screens too much, so they get big bellies.
Only one good thing can be said about Humans: They invented great game of hockey. But Bythrin were species who made it perfect and spread hockey to rest of universe (with our amazing and perfect Intergalactic Rules).
Earth’s professional hockey players are laughable. Unlike Bythrin, most have no real job or military responsibilities outside of hockey. They get paid too much money and they even get to relax during offseasons!
Humans are very bad at working with ice. The horrible treatment of Earth results in melting of polar ice caps. The melting water threatens entire planet Earth, but they are too disorganized to reverse melting yet. They make things worse by driving around with vehicles needing oil and gas fuels. They even use giant, fossil-fuel burning machines called Zambonis just for resurfacing ice rinks!
Bythrin don’t know (or care) about any Earth history from Human’s Pre-Hockey era. But even Hockey Era history is crazy. Nobody on Earth seems to agree on much. They spend so much energy fighting each other, instead of conquering other planets. Can you believe many of what Humans call ‘countries’ don’t even play hockey?
When I conquer Earth, I will show Humans how superior Bythrin ways are. They will no longer be able to fight each other (or us). I will make sure every ice rink on planet is converted to Intergalactic Rules. Then every Human will attend hockey academies. Soon they will build statues of me in every city and praise Bythrin mastery of everything. Then we will expand throughout Milky Way Galaxy.